Solo Sexuality
This entry synthesizes insights from 57 articles in the Library
"Your sexuality doesn't require a partner. You are a sexual being whether or not anyone else is involved. And knowing your own body is foundational to all the rest."
— Christine Mason
The Unspoken Practice
Most women masturbate. Research consistently shows this. Yet it remains one of the least discussed aspects of sexuality—shrouded in silence, shame, and a sense that it’s not quite appropriate for grown women to acknowledge.
This silence costs us. It keeps women alienated from their own bodies. It makes us dependent on partners for pleasure we could give ourselves. It leaves us unable to communicate what we need because we’ve never explored enough to know.
Solo sexuality isn’t a substitute for partnered sex. It’s its own thing—and it’s foundational.
What Solo Sexuality Offers
Self-knowledge: You can’t know what you like until you explore. Masturbation is how you learn your body’s patterns without the complexity of partnering.
Reliable pleasure: You’re always available to yourself. You know exactly what works. There’s no performance, no coordination, no compromise.
Body connection: Regular self-pleasure keeps you connected to your body as a source of sensation and enjoyment—not just something that carries you around.
Sexual maintenance: Like any capacity, sexuality benefits from regular engagement. Solo sexuality keeps the pathways active.
Stress relief: Orgasm releases tension, promotes sleep, and shifts your nervous system state.
Independence: Your sexuality isn’t contingent on having a partner, a partner’s interest, or a partner’s skill.
The Shame Layer
Many women carry shame about masturbation—even women who are otherwise sexually liberated.
This shame comes from:
- Religious teachings that classified it as sinful
- Cultural messages that female pleasure is inappropriate
- Lack of positive modeling or discussion
- Messages that women’s sexuality should be in service of others
- Experiences of being caught or shamed as a child or teen
The shame is inherited, not intrinsic. There is nothing wrong with touching your own body for pleasure. Nothing.
If you carry shame, notice it. Name it. And do what you do anyway. Shame often decreases with exposure—the more you do something you’ve been taught is wrong and experience that you’re fine, the less power the shame holds.
Practical Considerations
Finding Time and Space
Many women struggle to find private time—especially mothers, caregivers, or those in small living spaces.
Some options:
- Early morning or late night when others are asleep
- During a shower or bath
- When home alone
- In bed while a partner sleeps (this is normal and okay)
- Scheduled time like any other self-care
You deserve time with your own body. It’s not indulgent; it’s maintenance.
Tools and Aids
You don’t need anything but your hand. But if you want:
Vibrators: Many women find vibrators provide more intense stimulation. There’s no shame in needing or preferring them.
Lubricant: Reduces friction, heightens sensation, especially helpful if natural lubrication is reduced.
Erotica or fantasy: Mental stimulation can be as important as physical. What turns your mind on is personal and doesn’t have to match what you’d want in real life.
What You’re Going For
There’s no wrong way to masturbate. But consider the difference between:
Maintenance mode: Quick, efficient, goal-oriented. Gets to orgasm and moves on. This is fine, but it’s limited.
Exploratory mode: Slower, curious, less goal-focused. What happens with different kinds of touch? What feels good that you haven’t paid attention to? What changes if you slow down?
Practice mode: Intentional development of capacity. Working with arousal, trying new things, building skills you can bring to partnered sex.
All have their place. But if you only ever do maintenance mode, you miss the deeper benefits of self-exploration.
Solo Sexuality Without Orgasm
Masturbation doesn’t have to end in orgasm to be valuable.
Sometimes self-pleasure is about:
- Feeling your body
- Enjoying arousal without needing to “finish”
- Learning what different sensations feel like
- Reconnecting after being disconnected
Removing the orgasm requirement can open up exploration. Not everything has to be goal-directed.
The Partnered Woman’s Solo Life
Having a partner doesn’t mean stopping solo sexuality. Many women in long-term relationships maintain an active solo practice.
This isn’t betrayal. It isn’t a sign that the relationship is lacking. It’s recognizing that your sexuality is yours—not something you hand over entirely to a partner.
Some couples talk about solo sexuality openly. Others keep it private. Either is fine. What matters is that you maintain the relationship with your own body.
Solo Sexuality Through Life Stages
Adolescence: Often where self-discovery begins—ideally with privacy and without shame.
Young adulthood: May take a backseat to partnered exploration, or may continue alongside.
Parenthood: Often drops off due to exhaustion and lack of privacy—but this is when maintaining it matters most.
Midlife and beyond: May become more important as hormones shift and self-knowledge becomes more valuable. May also change in what works and what’s needed.
Learning from Solo for Partnered
What you learn alone can inform what happens with a partner:
- If you know you need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, you can ensure that happens during partnered sex
- If you know you need more time to warm up, you can communicate that
- If you discover you like certain kinds of touch, you can guide your partner
- If you realize vibration helps, you can incorporate toys into partnered sex
Self-knowledge is not selfish. It’s information that improves the whole sexual system.
Go Deeper
These are the original writings this entry draws from:
What Supports This
Physical expressions of this philosophy