Initiating Sex | The Rosewoman Library

The Weight of Always Asking

In many long-term relationships, a pattern develops: one partner initiates sex, the other responds (or doesn’t). Over time, this imbalance creates problems.

For the initiating partner: Rejection is painful. And repeated rejection—even gentle rejection—accumulates. You start to feel unwanted, unattractive, like a burden. Eventually, you may stop asking altogether.

For the non-initiating partner: You may feel pressured, like sex is always on the table, never able to just exist without an ask hanging in the air. Or you may not even notice the imbalance until it’s pointed out.

Both positions are uncomfortable. Neither is sustainable.

Why Imbalances Develop

Several factors contribute to initiation imbalances:

Different desire levels: If one partner has higher desire, they’re more likely to initiate more often.

Gendered expectations: Cultural scripts often expect men to initiate. Women may not have learned to initiate, or may feel uncomfortable doing so.

Fear of rejection: If you’ve been rejected often, you stop trying.

Responsive desire: The partner with responsive desire may want sex once it starts but rarely thinks to initiate.

Control dynamics: In some relationships, non-initiation is a form of control or withholding.

Not knowing how: Some people genuinely don’t know how to initiate—especially non-verbally.

The Initiating Partner’s Experience

If you’re the one who usually initiates:

You feel vulnerable. Every ask is a risk. Rejection is personal, even when it shouldn’t be.

You may feel like the “pursuer.” Always wanting, always asking. This can feel undignified.

You question your desirability. If your partner never initiates, you may wonder if they even want you.

You may become resentful. The imbalance feels unfair. Why is desire always your job?

You may stop trying. The hurt of rejection leads to withdrawal. You protect yourself by no longer asking.

The Non-Initiating Partner’s Experience

If you’re the one who rarely initiates:

You may not realize the impact. If you respond positively when your partner initiates, you may think everything is fine.

You may feel pressure. Your partner’s desire feels like a demand, even if they don’t intend it that way.

You may not know how to initiate. If you’ve never done it, it feels awkward, forced.

You may be dealing with low desire. You never initiate because you never think about sex. It’s not rejection—it’s absence.

You may be using non-initiation as protection. If you don’t start things, you maintain control over when sex happens.

Finding Balance

Have the Conversation

Talk about initiation explicitly. Not in the heat of frustration, but calmly:

“I’ve noticed I’m usually the one to initiate. How do you experience that?”
“I’d love it if you initiated sometimes. It would help me feel wanted.”
“Can we talk about what makes it hard for you to initiate?”

Understanding each other’s experience is the first step.

Understand Responsive Desire

If the non-initiating partner has responsive desire, they may want sex but never think to start it. This isn’t rejection—it’s how their desire works.

Working with responsive desire might mean:

The responsive-desire partner agrees to be open when approached
Or both partners look for other cues (flirting, touch) rather than explicit initiation
Or the responsive-desire partner commits to initiating a certain amount, even if it feels effortful

Learn to Initiate

If you’ve never initiated, it may feel unnatural. Some approaches:

Verbal: “I want you.” “Let’s go to bed early tonight.” “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

Physical: Initiating touch that signals interest. A certain kind of kiss. Hand moving to specific places.

Environmental: Creating conditions—candles, music, suggesting a bath together.

Planning: “Let’s plan to have Saturday morning be intimate time.”

There’s no right way. Find what feels authentic.

Initiation is vulnerable. Sharing that vulnerability more equally creates intimacy and fairness.

The lower-desire or non-initiating partner taking the initiative sometimes communicates: “I want you. I desire this. It’s not just your need—it’s also my want.”

Address Underlying Issues

Sometimes initiation imbalance reflects deeper problems:

Desire discrepancy that needs direct attention
Resentment that’s poisoning desire
Relationship issues creating distance
Medical or hormonal factors affecting desire

If the conversation about initiation doesn’t shift things, the underlying issues may need attention.

When You’re Never Initiated With

If your partner never initiates despite conversations about it, you have information:

They may be dealing with something (low desire, stress, physical issues) that needs addressing
There may be relationship problems suppressing their desire
They may not understand how important this is to you
In some cases, desire is genuinely asymmetrical and compromise is needed

You can’t force someone to want you or to initiate. But you can make clear what you need and see if they’re willing to work toward it.

Initiation Without Pressure

The goal is initiation that’s inviting, not pressuring. Your partner should be able to decline without guilt or conflict.

“I’d love to connect tonight if you’re up for it” is different from “We haven’t had sex in a week.”

The ability to say no freely makes yes mean something.

Go Deeper

These are the original writings this entry draws from: