Self-Pleasure as Practice

Beyond Shame

Let’s start with the obvious: most cultures have treated female masturbation as shameful, dirty, or pathological. Something to hide. Something to outgrow. Something that marks you as lacking a “real” sexual outlet.

This is nonsense. And it’s particularly harmful nonsense for women in midlife and beyond, for whom self-pleasure can be a vital part of ongoing sexual health.

Self-touch isn’t a consolation prize for the partnerless. It isn’t juvenile. It isn’t a sign of inadequacy. It’s a complete form of sexual expression that belongs to you, regardless of your relationship status.

The Physical Benefits

The benefits of regular sexual activity—including solo sexual activity—are well documented:

Pelvic floor health. Orgasm contracts the pelvic floor muscles. Regular orgasms help maintain the strength and tone of these muscles, which support bladder control, core stability, and sexual function.

Tissue health. Sexual arousal increases blood flow to the genital tissues. This circulation helps keep the vulvar and vaginal tissues healthy, especially important after menopause when estrogen-related changes can affect tissue integrity.

Hormonal support. Orgasm releases oxytocin and endorphins—hormones that support mood, reduce stress, and contribute to overall wellbeing. The body doesn’t distinguish between partnered and solo orgasms.

Sleep. The relaxation response following orgasm can support better sleep—something many women struggle with during and after menopause.

Pain relief. Endorphins released during sexual arousal and orgasm have analgesic effects. Some women find that sexual activity helps with headaches, menstrual cramps, or chronic pain.

A Different Relationship with Pleasure

For many women, decades of sexual activity have been organized around someone else—a partner’s desire, a partner’s pleasure, a partner’s timing. Even women in loving, reciprocal relationships often carry years of conditioning that centers someone else’s experience.

Self-pleasure is different. It’s entirely yours. No performance, no negotiation, no consideration of another body’s needs. Just you and your own sensation.

This can be uncomfortable at first—the quiet, the aloneness, the absence of feedback. But it can also be deeply liberating. An opportunity to discover what you actually like, without filter.

Exploring at Midlife

Many women in midlife and beyond find that their sexuality is ripe for exploration in ways it wasn’t earlier. Children are grown. Careers have stabilized or ended. The urgency of younger years has settled into something more spacious.

Self-pleasure can be a laboratory for this exploration. What happens if you slow down? What happens if you try something different? What parts of your body have you ignored that might be worth attention?

The clitoris retains its nerve endings throughout life. The capacity for pleasure doesn’t diminish with age. What often diminishes is attention—and attention can be restored.

Tools and Support

We live in a time of remarkable options for sexual support. Vibrators designed for aging bodies—with larger handles, gentler vibration patterns, and easier controls. Lubricants formulated for menopausal tissues. Ergonomic designs that account for changes in flexibility.

There’s nothing wrong with support. A runner wouldn’t be ashamed of good shoes. A cook wouldn’t apologize for quality knives. Tools exist to make practices more accessible and pleasurable.

If you’ve never used a vibrator, or if the one you bought 20 years ago is gathering dust, consider exploring what’s available now. The options have evolved significantly.

The Mental Game

For many women, the biggest barrier to self-pleasure isn’t physical—it’s mental. The shame conditioning runs deep. The sense that self-touch is somehow lesser, or embarrassing, or what you do when you can’t get the “real thing.”

Notice these stories when they arise. Ask where they came from. Consider whether they’re actually true, or just inherited.

Self-pleasure is not inferior to partnered sex. It’s different. It serves different purposes. It’s available under different conditions. And it’s yours to claim without justification or apology.

As Spiritual Practice

Many spiritual traditions recognize that sexual energy is life force energy—that cultivating and moving this energy through the body is a form of spiritual practice.

Self-pleasure doesn’t have to be about physical release, though that’s valuable too. It can be about consciously generating and circulating energy. About feeling alive in your body. About connecting to the life force that runs through you.

Some women find that combining self-pleasure with breath practice, visualization, or meditative awareness transforms it from physical act to something more expansive. The body becomes a site of spiritual exploration, not just physical sensation.

Frequency and Permission

There’s no right frequency for self-pleasure. Daily, weekly, occasionally—what matters is that the practice serves you.

What’s worth examining is avoidance. If you’re avoiding self-touch entirely, it’s worth asking why. Is it physical discomfort? Shame? Simply not prioritizing your own pleasure? Each of these has different implications and different remedies.

You don’t need permission from anyone. This is your body. Your sexuality. Your right.

In Relationship

Being in a partnered relationship doesn’t preclude self-pleasure. Many couples maintain individual sexual practices alongside their shared sexuality.

Some couples share information about their solo practices. Others keep them private. Neither approach is right or wrong—it depends on your relationship’s culture and agreements.

What’s worth noting: maintaining your own sexual relationship with yourself can actually support partnered sexuality. You stay in touch with your desire. You keep the neural pathways active. You come to partnered encounters knowing your own body well.

Starting or Restarting

If self-pleasure is new to you, or if it’s been a long time:

Start slow. You don’t need to pursue orgasm immediately. Exploration without goal can be its own pleasure.

Create space. Treat this as you would any other wellness practice. Dedicated time, comfortable environment, privacy.

Use support. Lubricant, toys, pillows for positioning—whatever helps.

Notice your thoughts. When shame or judgment arises, observe it without letting it stop you. The conditioning is strong, but it can be rewired.

Be patient. Bodies that haven’t been touched in certain ways for a long time may need time to reawaken. This is normal.

Go Deeper

These are the original writings this entry draws from:

The 9 Lives of Woman: Sexuality and Self

Reclaiming Pleasure as Self-Care

The Science of Solo Sexual Practice

What Supports This

Physical expressions of this philosophy

Arouse Stimulating Serum

For enhanced sensation and circulation →

Honor Everyday Balm

Daily moisture for vulvar tissue and perineal care →

View all at rosewoman.com →